Comical Misandry and the Involved Father; How Not to Screw up the Conversation About the Modern Dad

Thanks to active NYC Dads Group member and frequent guest blogger, Josh K., aka The Angry SAHD, who watched this video clip and was "ANGRY" because with the first dad ever on iVillage, we had the opportunity to shatter some stereotypes about fatherhood....Unfortunately, we did not.  This entry is cross posted on The Angry SAHD site as well.  We would appareciate your feedback or comments.

The word is getting out about the "new" father.  More involved,
sharing equally or even taking a larger role than the mother in the
raising of kids.  Our NYC DADS Group is filled with men like this;
they're competent with their kids, competent at their jobs if they
have them, competent with running the house.  Dads, employed or
not, across the country are making parenting a more important part of
their life.

That said, we still get the stereotype of being the "Mr. Mom", trying
and failing at replacing a mother.  Except perhaps around
Fathers' day, we are presented as bumbling, laundry-forgetting idiots
who can't manage as well as our wives.  Speak to most of us,
however, and you find these stereotypes don't hold.  

With more notoriety coming for the involved dad, comes more media
coverage. With more media, comes the opportunity to correct the
stereotypes.  A friend of the NYC Dads group, Adam Cohen, from Dadarocks.com, got such an
opportunity at iVillage recently. See this
recent clip from their video segment The Conversation
Thread.

Now, while Cohen gets a great opportunity to set the record straight,
the interview was set up in a way to reinforce the stereotypes, and we
think we all can do better.  We've put together a list of a few
things to think about when being an involved dad, and especially when
discussing it, whether it's on TV or the playground.  We hope
these will move the conversation forward and help us move away from
1950's clichés.

1) Don't be the boob.
Listen, just because expectations are low, doesn't mean you have to
live up to them.  We get a lot more credit for simple things just
because people expect us to fail.  Everyone wants to make the Mr.
Mom jokes about burning clothing while ironing, burning dinner, and burning your
kids up because you forgot the sunscreen. Don't let this be true, and
don't let other people get away with accusing you.  

Saying that after you "mess up that laundry 3-4 times you don't have
to do it again" might get a laugh, but it makes us all look like an
idiot.  Most of the dads we know are excellent at managing their
households, cooking, and making sure everything that needs to get done,
gets done.  

Victoria Perico, of Savvymommy.com, says that "if we
leave anything up to a
dad that's major, most likely it will fall apart."  Not only is
this complete nonsense, but it makes me wonder why she would tolerate
her husband being like that. Our responsibility as an involved father
is two-fold.  One, don't be that useless guy.  Play your
part and take control over these things. Make sure things get done.
Two, when someone calls you incompetent, don't laugh.  Correct
them.  

2) Be involved in everything
-- not just major discipline.   Don't just be there to
back mom up when "it gets escalated."  Being involved with the
discipline (and education, entertainment, and everything else) of your
children is your job.  You want your kids to respect you? Be
there from the beginning.  When posed with the question about
fathers' parenting skills, it's not best to start by explaining that
you let your wife do the "baseline" parenting.  

To kick this reputation, we can't be the Don Drapers of the world, or
even the Ward Cleavers.  We need to make sure that we are there
for the school events, scraped knees, and the time outs.  We are
not just the nuclear option for our wives when they get
overwhelmed.  

3) Be on top of your
stuff.  One of the more offensive points in the video is when
Amy Oztan, of selfishmom.com,
says "Let's face it, I think that in most relationships, men just suck
at logistics."  She describes it in the context of her
husband.  Points like this need to be challenged.  While
this may be true in her household, perhaps some of it is because she
tolerates it.  She says "there's always that extra layer of
stress," but she says nothing about trying to get her husband involved
in doing those things.  When we allow negative behavior from our
partners without trying to address it, it is also our
fault. 

For starters, handling "logistics" and the small details is not a
trait unique to one sex.  I've known plenty of amazing male and
female project managers, which is essentially what parenting is.
Just because in one person's household, such as Oztan's, the woman is
better at it, does not mean the rule holds true for all couples.
In our community of active fathers, we have men who run all of the details of their homes
while others take a more shared role.  That said, part of being
involved is being on top of the things your kids need.  Be a
counter-example to Oztan's point, and then correct people when they
make such assertions.  

For better or worse, part of the "job" of being an involved dad is
helping to change the incorrect impressions people have of all
dads.  Set an example, live that example, and correct people when
they are wrong.